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A Sex Therapist’s Guide to Using Your Hands
Sex should be fun, but it can also be complicated. Welcome to Sexual Resolution, a biweekly column by sex therapist Vanessa Marin answering your most confidential questions to help you achieve a healthy, joyful sex life. Here, she answers a question about becoming a handjob pro.
DEAR VANESSA: I have the handjob basics down, but I'm looking for some advanced techniques to take it to the next level. What do you suggest? — Needs a Hand With Handjobs, 24
DEAR NAHWH: I'm so glad to get this question because I think handjobs are criminally underrated. So many people have this idea that a person can touch their own penis better than anyone else can so bothering with them is useless, but that’s a silly reason to avoid what can be one of the most pleasurable techniques in your arsenal. Once you’ve mastered the basics, there are plenty of fun ways to take it to the next level.
First, I recommend experimenting with new hand motions. The basic up-and-down movement can work pretty well when you’re first getting started, but once you’ve figured out the pressure and speed that your partner enjoys, it’s time to explore new techniques. Here are a few to try:
- Use both hands instead of just one.
- Rock your wrists in opposite directions as you move both hands up and down the shaft.
- Try the “waterfall” motion: Place one loose fist at the head of your partner's penis, then slide your hand all the way to the bottom of the shaft. As soon as one hand hits the bottom, repeat with the other hand. Keep this going in a continuous cycle, then try reversing the motion and going from the bottom of the shaft to the head.
- Stroke up and down the shaft of the penis with one hand, and use the other hand to focus on the head of the penis with a light “juicing” motion. (Think of it as though the head of the penis were a lemon that you were gently juicing.)
- Start with your hands together in the middle of your partner's penis. Stroke one hand down towards their balls and the other hand up towards the head of the penis. Slide off their body, then start the stroke over again in the middle of the shaft
You may also want to get other parts of your partner's body involved. Most people go straight for the shaft of the penis, but you can try paying attention to other areas as well. Try playing with the testicles — take them into one hand and very gently squeeze, or try very gently pulling the entire scrotum away from the body. Lightly scratch your fingertips against the skin of the scrotum. (Notice how I keep using the words “gently” and “lightly”? You want to be careful with the balls.)
You can also try playing with the perineum, which is the strip of skin between the balls and anus. This area is super sensitive, so your partner might enjoy some light stroking or pressure with your knuckle. If they're game, you may also want to try incorporating some anal play. You can gently press a fingertip against their anus or slide a finger up and down the butt crack. If they want more, make sure to add lube to your finger before gently sliding it in. Go slow and keep checking in about what feels best.
Speaking of lube, that can be another way to up your handjob game. I think lube is nonnegotiable for handjobs, but the reality is that most people just don’t use it. If you don’t already use lube, start now. It will make the act so much more enjoyable. If you already use it, try experimenting with different lubes. Silicone-based or even anal-sex-specific lubes can feel awesome with a handjob.
Another idea is to use a toy to assist with your handjob. If you have some sort of regular relationship with your handjob recipient, you could try investing in a male masturbator together. Even though these kinds of toys are called “masturbators,” they’re still a lot of fun to use together. Check out Tenga's Flip series or egg series.
In case you're still looking for a few other ideas, it's helpful to remember that the sky is the limit. For example, you could blindfold your partner while you give them a handjob — not being able to see what you’re doing can make the experience that much more exciting. Additionally, you should try edging. Get them right to the edge of an orgasm (you may have to ask that they let you know when they're close), then stop until they cool down a bit. Then get them right back to the edge. Repeat as many times as they can stand.
Roleplay during handjobs can also make them much more fun; pretend to be a master or a servant, or see what other scenarios you can come up with. And above all, have fun with each other.
