When your partner is dealing with trauma, there are many ways to support them — but suggesting therapy can sometimes be tricky.

Say you wanted to offer support and your own involvement, but you’re not sure what would feel the best to her

I know it might seem like I’m gushing with praise here, but unfortunately, there just aren’t many partners who are as thoughtful as you seem to be, so I wanted to acknowledge that

I think you already framed it really nicely in your email to me, but I have a few pointers for how to really dial in your messaging.

First, I would give your girlfriend a heads up that you want to talk about trauma, and ask her when would be a good time for her. Don’t bring it up in the bedroom, or right after she has had a trauma response. Instead, aim for a time when she’s feeling calm and collected.

Reiterate that you were listening to her when she told you that she has a trauma response during sex. Tell her that you’re so sorry she’s had to go through sexual abuse, and you’re proud of her for seeking psychotherapy in the past.

Then bring up the idea of sex therapy, specifically. You could say something like, “I know you told me that you did psychotherapy in the past, but I was wondering if maybe sex therapy could help give us more tools for helping you feel safe in the moment.”

At that point, mention that you’re happy to be involved with sex therapy too, but only if that would feel good to her. You can say, “I would love to meet with a sex therapist so I could learn more about how I can be a supportive partner to you. Or if that doesn’t feel supportive to you, I’m happy to hang back.”

I would be totally transparent with your girlfriend and say you wanted to offer support and your own involvement, but you’re not sure what would feel the best to her. I would make sure to specifically say that the decision is hers to make, but you wanted her to know that you support her.

If that feels like a lot to say in person, you can also  try emailing it to her instead. That may give her a little more time and space to process her own reactions — then just keep being there for her.